Manchester United v Sunderland
27 mins Two seasons ago, United more or less conceded the title to Chelsea when they drew 0-0 at home with Sunderland (the worst team in the history of the Premier League) in one of their final matches of the season. There has been little to suggest that the scoreline won’t be the same again, with Sunderland lining up as Reading did on the opening weekend when they rendered United’s attack impotent.
25 mins If this was the first football match you ever watched, you’d wonder why the whole world is so obsessed with the sport.
23 mins Patrice Evra absolutely clatters Michael Chopra, but the ref waves play on. That’s the first sign of urgency or passion from the champions, prompting the crowd to chant: “Attack! Attack! Attack, attack, attack!” The team is unresponsive.
21 mins «imdb.com» times a tackle perfectly as Nani does a couple of stepovers before trying to saunter past the right-back. Keane applauds from the other side of the pitch and then returns to his seat. He is rightly content at Sunderland’s start.
19 mins Anderson’s barely had a kick, but he finally gets one here. Unfortunately his attempted cross-field pass is more Gerrard than Beckham, landing in the fifth row of the East Stand.
17 mins “Welcome to the Premier League, big boy,” says Nemanja Vidic as he hacks at the back of Kenwyne Jones’s legs. From the subsequent free-kick, Jones attempts an overhead kick which would best be described as “interesting”. Or “pathetic”. “I cannot possibly believe this,” says Richard Wood, talking about the haircuts of United strike duo. “Granted I can’t actually think of any worse off the top of my head, but bearing in mind this is English football we’re talking about, I have serious difficulty imagining that there has never been a more stylistically-challenged duo up front in the last 15 years. Mark Hughes played in the Premiership, you know.” Name me a worse pair. Go on.
14 mins It’s been all United thus far, but Craig Gordon has barely touched the ball in the Sunderland goal, causing the commentator to mention already that Louis Saha is on the bench. United couldn’t be more toothless up front if they re-signed Joe Jordan.
11 mins Crikey, it really is old boys’ day at United - the director just cut to a shot of Andy Cole sitting in the crowd, unsurprisingly looking on moodily. Indeed, Sunderland are playing with the kind of lack of mobility associated with old boys teams when they return to school to take on the new 1st XI, with United buzzing around like the fleet-footed youngsters.
9 mins Yorke, who isn’t remembered quite as fondly at Old Trafford as Keane or Solskjaer for his huge part in United winning the Champions League, is at the heart of a first prolonged spell of possession for Sunderland. It doesn’t go anywhere, though. “Noticing that Anderson is playing today, I wonder how many dreadlocked players ther are in the Premier League,” wonders Steve Cummins. “Could a dread XI be put out?” I’ll need help with that. My favourite was always Regi Blinker.
7 mins The picture goes somewhat fuzzy as my colleague Scott Murray repatedly bangs the desk with his fist, but I can just make out Dickson Etuhu streaking down the right before blasting a shot wide. “In response to poor Archi Campbell’s lament, perhaps playing Eagles is SAF’s way of putting him in the shop window for Keane to sign,” chuckles Aron Darmody. And there’s more. “Also, although Solskjaer has supposedly retired, you know Keane is still secretly going to try to sign him.”
5 mins Anderson is playing up top with Carlos Tevez, forming without doubt the worst coiffeured strike-partnership in the history of the Premier League. Nani is stationed on the left.
3 mins The pattern is set, with Sunderland camped on the edge of their own box, and United stroking the ball around fluently. Nani has the first shot of the game, but it’s dragged wide of the far post with his left foot.
1 min Here we go then. Forgetting the various sub-plots, it should be noted that this is something of a relegation battle: Sunderland are in 17th, while United are just one point above the relegation zone.
“Eagles?” says Archi Campbell. “Why? Why oh why oh why?” Tinkering is Fergie’s biggest sin. That and littering the ground with his chewing gum wrappers.
Sentimentality is flowing around Old Trafford. First a teary-eyed Keane (allow for a little poetic licence) acknowledges the “Keano! Keano! Keano!” chants with a regal wave, and then the newly-retired Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is given a guard of honour by the teams and a hug apiece from Ferguson and Keane. It’s just a shame Clive Tyldesley isn’t doing the (minute-by-minute) commentary really.
Teams Anderson gets his first start in United red, while Kenwyne Jones (6m for a player who didn’t even excel in the Championship?!?!) and Danny Higginbotham make their Sunderland debuts. Indeed, Higginbotham is one of three ex-United players in the visitos’ line-up.
Man Utd Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Eagles, Hargreaves, Scholes, Nani, Anderson, Tevez.
Subs Kuszczak, Saha, Carrick, O’Shea, Fletcher.
Sunderland Gordon, Nosworthy, McShane, Higginbotham, Collins, Leadbitter, Yorke, Etuhu, Wallace, Chopra, Jones. Subs
Ward, Stokes, Murphy, Miller, Kay.
Referee Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
Preamble Hello everyone and welcome to the best match-up you won’t see on Setanta this season (because presumably if you had a TV with Setanta on it, you wouldn’t be sat here reading this). It’s Fergie v Keano, the Obi Wan and Anakin of the Premier League. Although I’m not sure that analogy works, because it casts Niall Quinn as the Emperor, er, Carlos Quieroz, I suppose, as Yoda, and, of course, to most people United are the dark side - actually no, it definitely doesn’t work. Anyway. I was going to write a glowing, semi-eloquent tribute to Keane and his spell at Old Trafford, but kick-off is upon us so that’s going to be put on the back-burner in favour of letting you have the teams.
